


You still draw me

by ayellowcurtain



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:48:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27051448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ayellowcurtain/pseuds/ayellowcurtain
Summary: Sander was with Britt to keep his parents out of his life. He wanted to be with Robbe, nobody else, but there's only so much Robbe can take.
Relationships: Sander Driesen/Britt Ingelbrecht, Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Kudos: 62





	1. Chapter 1

* * *

Sander sits on the bench he grew attached to for the past few months. He puts his bag right next to him and grabs his sketchpad and his favorite pen. This sketchpad is almost full, he needs to maybe stop at the art supply store and search for a new one on his way home.

This is the best part of his days and Sander keeps repeating that to himself, while seeing Robbe’s face over and over again with every single page he sees, all of them filled with Robbe’s face, his hands, his soft eyes, his hair. Sander is almost sure he covered every angle possible.

He uses this as a therapy. Extra sessions and these ones are daily. It helps to draw him, to remember how he looks, how small and sparkly his eyes get when he smiles. Sander enjoys the time he spends drawing every line slowly.

He sighs, moving on to finding a new page. It’s easy as breathing, his memory picks a favorite moment for the day and Sander is already drawing, confident that he’ll be able to finish in time. He gets so carried away, working on some details that he only notices how much time has passed when a heavy hand rests on his shoulder.

“This is getting tiring,” Jens complains, offering his hand and Sander sighs, looking at what he made. It’s not perfect, but it’ll have to do. He rips the page from his sketchpad and carefully folds it in half, giving it to Jens.

“You think it’s working?” Jens shrugs, putting it inside his pocket, looking across the street, no sign of Robbe.

“He likes you.” He says like Sander doesn’t know that. Robbe likes him. For once, Sander was with someone he was madly in love with and that liked him back just as much. He wasn’t just settling with someone. He knew Robbe loved him and Sander loves him so much it’s scary. And when Robbe needed him to stand up for them, he didn’t. Robbe found out things with Britt weren’t that fake for her instead.

“But he’s really hurt. I’m sure he’ll punch me any time now when I give him another one of your drawings.”

Sander puts his things back inside his bag, closing it and getting up, standing next to Jens, watching the school gate. “I can try to talk to him.”

“No, it’s okay. I think it’s best if you keep your distance.” They keep looking at each other, Sander digesting the information that it’s still too soon, almost four months after the break up, not really knowing what to say to Jens.

He is Robbe’s best friend since they were little. They have their ups and downs too so Sander should take his word for it because if there’s someone that knows when Robbe is angry, it’s Jens. But it’s been months. Sander is starting to think it’s really over. And he can’t stand the idea.

So he comes here, sits across the street from Robbe’s school, and draws something for him. Jens comes, grabs the drawing and makes sure it gets to Robbe’s hands. The firs time he came, Robbe looked around and found him and Sander knew it would take a lot more than a drawing. He tried talking to Robbe that day, but he wouldn’t listen.

After that, Sander took a step back. He tried calling, texting, but Robbe ignored him every time. He didn’t even read the messages.

Not until a few days ago, late at night. Sander was wide awake at two in the morning and he was staring at his texts unanswered, thinking if he should try again. It had been a few weeks since the last time he tried, and then Robbe’s icon showed on the side of his texts, meaning he was reading them, finally, at two in the morning.

So Sander started coming back to the school, hoping one day Robbe would stop ignoring him, clearly avoiding to look where he knew Sander would be, across the street and say he's finally willing to give Sander another chance.

Sander shakes Jens’ hand and he walks away, looking both ways before rushing to wait for his friends where they always meet, his hand still inside his pocket where the drawing is.

 _It’s still too soon._ Sander thinks about leaving before Robbe appears outside, but he waits anyway, trying to focus on other people, on his own shoes, anywhere else.

When he breaks and looks up, Robbe is already there, with his drawing in his hands, looking at it. He drew the look in Robbe’s face the last night they spent together. They went to their bar, Robbe got a little too drunk and needy. He was pouting when he asked Sander to go to his place even though they both knew it wasn’t possible. It was just a joke.

Sander woke up the next morning and Robbe was crying, sitting on a chair in his kitchen, with Jana and Zoe around him and Sander didn’t even had to ask. It was a big fight, Sander argued with Jana too. He doesn’t know how Jens is not angry at him either. She just didn’t have any right to tell Robbe that way. Sander was going to tell him, just not the way she did, happy to see them arguing because of her stupid friend.

Robbe looks at Sander and he stops thinking. Robbe is looking at him for the first time in a long time. They move in sync: when Robbe folds the drawing and puts inside his pocket, leaving the boys behind, Sander crosses the street just as fast, following him, holding the strap of his bag tighter.

“Robbe…”

“Leave me alone,” He doesn’t slow down, doesn’t sound like he wants to talk, but he’s talking so Sander runs to catch up to him, standing in his way. He stutters, looking at Robbe closely after so many months apart.

“I told my parents about you.”

“What?” Robbe was about to start a fight, but he stops, the crease in between his eyebrows slowly disappearing. “What did they say?”

Sander breathes out slowly, taking the opportunity to notice every detail in Robbe’s face his memory might have missed, “We had a fight. I moved out. I’m leaving by myself now, closer to college…”

Robbe really looks at him now, a hint of worry in his eyes, “I’m sorry…”

“I’m sorry too. For us. For ruining everything.” Sander wets his lips with his tongue, not wanting to spend the few minutes Robbe is willing to give him talking about his shitty parents, “Can we talk? Tonight, maybe…”

Robbe threatens to start walking again and Sander stands just a little closer, carefully holding the edge of Robbe’s jacket. “I’m busy…we’ve finals next week.”

“Please, Robbe. You can pick the place and I’ll just show up.” Robbe is staring at his lips. Sander knows that because he’s not very different, needing to hold himself in place not to kiss Robbe without a warning, “We were together for over a year. Just give me a chance.”

He doesn’t answer, but Robbe is not walking, leaving him behind, so Sander continues. “I would love for you to meet where I’m staying now. I promise I’ll behave myself. You can bring the boys if you want. I just want to spend some time with you.”

“You don’t want them there while we talk.” Robbe tries not to smile, but the corners of his lips are slightly up.

“No. But I’ll let you decide how we’re going to do this. If you feel more comfortable with them around…”

Robbe nods his head, trying to keep his eyes on Sander’s. “I trust you will not try to do anything if we’re alone.”

Sander nods his head, trying to stop hearing his heart beating inside his ears. “I won’t. And I’m happy you trust me.”

“I’ll think about it.” Robbe decides, slowly trying to walk away again, but Sander whines, moving to stand in front of him again.

“Is it too much to ask for an answer right now? I won’t be able to live until you answer me…” Robbe finally smiles a little bit and Sander can’t imagine how long today is going to be.

“Okay. I’ll go. Text me the adress.”

And he’s in so much shock he can’t do anything when Robbe walks away, thinking about how the art supply store will have to wait. He thought so much about this day. And now he only has a few hours to execute everything perfectly.


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

It’s the first time he’s actually deep cleaning this place. He moved here so suddenly and he had no need to keep it tidy. Nobody was coming to visit and he was keeping himself busy with college. 

Now Robbe was coming so they could talk. And he already saw it once how messy Sander can be when he’s too deep inside his own head. He grabs all his sketches, scattered over every flat surface in the apartment, and puts it in a pile on his desk in his bedroom, next to all his pens, paints, brushes, etc. He doubts they’ll get inside his bedroom tonight, but if they do, Robbe will be able to see that he’s still Sander’s favorite thing to draw. 

He washes the dishes and puts everything away, moving on to mop the floor and clean the bathroom. There are still way too many hours to go, Robbe said he would come to dinner, bringing some pizza with him. So Sander grabs his wallet and goes to the grocery store down the street to buy them some beers. 

He has no plants in the house yet and he knows Robbe likes them so he buys some plants too, having a hard time carrying everything by himself, but he manages. 

One plant in the living room, the smaller ones in his bedroom window. He puts the beers inside the fridge and looks around, making sure he didn’t forget anything out of place. 

There’s still so much time. Sander sighs, throwing himself on the couch, unlocking his phone, the background photo still is Sander’s favorite picture of them. He opens Spotify, carefully thinking about every Bowie song, making a new playlist for tonight. Every Bowie song reminds him of Robbe, but he tries to pick the best ones. 

He keeps checking the time every few minutes. There’s nothing else he can force himself to do to pass time so he gets up, taking his clothes off, already leaving it inside the washing machine, taking a quick shower. It’s almost time so Sander sits on one of the kitchen chairs, relaxing, staring at the front door, he should be here any minute now. 

_He’s not coming._

Sander sighs, getting up, turning the main lights off, leaving just the lampshades with softer, defused yellow lights. 

_He’s not coming._

Still nothing so Sander grabs his phone, unlocking it again, opening his conversation with Robbe. They didn’t talk much today so he can still read the last messages before their break up. Robbe saying that he loved Sander and that he was on his way to the bar, he couldn’t wait to kiss Sander. 

He types without thinking, “Everything ok? Did you change your mind? Robbe, let me try to explain myself…” but he erases every letter before putting his phone down, his eyes noticing the time before the screen turns black. 

Robbe is late. 

Sander was drunk and tired and he needed his parents to believe he was actually with Britt. He never thought at the time Robbe would break up over drunk sex that meant nothing. He knows it’s wrong. He had months to realize how fucked up that was. He was still the one that made the wrong decision, ruining everything that he touched. 

A loud knock on the door makes him stop his train of thought, getting up quickly, rushing to the door. 

“Hi…sorry, the pizza was still being made when I went to pick it up.” 

Robbe looks so handsome. Maybe it’s the long period of time without actually being this close to him, but Sander thinks he’s even more beautiful than when they were together. 

His hair is longer, softer probably and Sander would tell him how it makes him look older, even more beautiful, but he keeps his thoughts to himself, stepping to the side to let Robbe come in. There’s a hint of stubble too around his mouth, Sander remembers how Robbe used to wake up almost every weekday because of the bright bathroom light. He would move to lie on his side, in the middle of Robbe’s bed so he could watch his boyfriend shaving his face carefully, usually still wearing only his underwear, half asleep. 

“I thought you changed your mind…” 

Robbe stops right next to him, not because of what he said, but because he’s looking around, smiling a little, having a first look around the place. 

“The kitchen is on the right.” Sander points to the door a few steps ahead. Robbe follows his instructions and Sander follows him quietly, anxious to hear Robbe’s thoughts. He leans against the door and Robbe finally looks at him after putting the pizzas on the table. 

“Looks pretty cool. When did you move?” Robbe puts his hands inside the pockets of his brown jacket, not really sure what to do with himself. 

“Over a month ago.” Sander knows he’s staring, but Robbe can’t blame him. He should have learned from all the times Sander went to his school to watch him from afar that Sander misses him terribly. 

“It’s cool. Congrats, Sander.” He smiles softly and Sander offers his hand for Robbe to give his jacket so he can hang behind the door in a minute.

“Thank you. I was anxious for you to see.” Sander raises his eyebrows a little while he looks at Robbe quietly, folding his jacket over his arm. 

“Why?” 

“You’re the manager…” He tries, smiling, hoping Robbe will play his part this time. He looks down at his feet shyly, but he’s smiling and Sander will take that as a win. He gets closer, opening the boxes. Robbe brought their favorite pizzas. 

“I hope you still like cheese…” Robbe whispers now that they’re closer, standing side by side. 

“My taste didn’t change much.” 

“No?” 

“No. I still like cheese pizza and you, nothing changed.” 

“So you’re still cheesy, I see.” There’s a long moment of silence and then Sander snorts and Robbe laughs about his terrible joke.


	3. Chapter 3

* * *

Sander puts his slice of pizza down, suddenly panicking a little bit. He looks over his shoulder where a window should be, but he only sees a little bit of the glass reflecting the moon light. There’s no street lights. So the power is really out.

“You okay?” He hears Robbe quietly asking from the other side of the table and Sander looks back at where Robbe was when he could see him.

“Yeah. You?” There’s no reason for them not to be okay, but Sander finds it cute that Robbe asks anyway.

With his vision being completely erased, he can clearly hear Robbe chewing, worried.

“Still eating my pizza. Does this happen often?” Sander tries to find his pizza too, holding it carefully with one hand.

“This is the first time. Hope it’s the last too.” Robbe hums and Sander finishes his slice in silence, hoping the power will come back any time now.

Robbe finishes his slice too, he waits a few minutes in the eerie silence and then touches the whole table until he finds the box, opening it carefully and offering another slice to Sander too.

Their hands meet in the middle when Robbe is trying to find where to put Sander’s slice. They finish dinner and the power is still out.

“I have a flashlight in my room…I’m gonna get it.” Sander carefully pushes his chair back and he hears the other chair doing the same. He stops and Robbe pushes his chair a little further.

“I’m gonna go with you, if you don’t mind…”

Sander is thankful there’s no light so he can smile from ear to ear without feeling guilty. He walks around the table and holds Robbe’s hand. Still cold like always, but so soft it’s almost unbelievable.

He walks slowly and carefully, using his free hand to not let himself hit the walls. Maybe he walks extra slowly to keep holding Robbe’s hand. He finally finds his bedroom door. It’s a little brighter than in the kitchen, with a window that’s a lot bigger.

Robbe lets go of his hand and Sander tries to act like that was expected. He goes to the other side of the room, finding the door to his closet. He left the flash light in a box in the corner, he’s sure of it, but it’s a big box filled with the most random things.

He hears paper being touched, moved and he’s a little relieved it’s still dark enough where Robbe won’t be able to really see what he’s curiously touching. Sander carefully lies the box sideways so he can pull everything out to find the flash light quicker. He’ll put everything back on the box when there’s

_light._

The yellow, defused bedside lamp is on again and Sander finds the flashlight right away even though they don’t need it anymore. He grabs it just in case, but he gets up, hoping Robbe moved on from his desk to quietly wait elsewhere.

“You’re still drawing me.” Robbe whispers, still holding a few of his drawings, now really looking at them. Sander bites the inside of his cheek.

“Yeah.” Robbe picks some of them up, seeming to be choosing his favorites, “I like to draw you. And I miss you, so.”

“I wish things didn’t go as bad as they did.” Robbe finally turns around, looking at him, still holding some of the drawings. Sander is way too attached to his drawings of Robbe, but he can give him some if Robbe wants them.

“Me too. I’m sorry again. I know it doesn’t change things, but I know this is all my fault, even though it hurts me too not to be together and so I’m sorry for sleeping with her and breaking your heart, it was never my intention.”

“I talked to Britt. Was more of an argument, but yeah. We’ve talked.”

Sander stops to diggests those words bitterly. Robbe didn’t talk to him, but he talked to Britt. Maybe he deserves it.

“I didn’t know that.” He manages to say normally, waiting for Robbe to continue.

“Yeah. I asked Jens not to mention to you every morning when he went to grab your drawings and bring it to me like some kind of cupid.” Sander smiles, more proud than guilty. “She said that you two should have never been together. That she moved on…”

Sander nods his head, sitting on his bed, at least they agree on something. Robbe puts the drawings in front of him, holding with his two hands.

“Did you?” He looks up and meets Sander’s eyes for the first time since the power came back. Sander knows what he’s asking, but he’s in no way as confident as he was before their break up and before breaking Robbe’s heart in the most cruel way and he doesn’t want to leave misunderstandings in between them anymore.

“From you? No, I don’t think that’s possible. And I was never in love with her, so yes? That night…I was just drunk and ready to make stupid decisions, that’s what I’m good at doing. Ruining everything I touch and care for.”

Robbe doesn’t answer, but he’s looking at Sander in the same way he did when he decided for both of them it was best to break up. His eyes are glassy, he’s breathing so slow and careful, trying to keep himself strong and whole. Sander looks down to keep himself the same way.

“Look…Robbe…Since the first time I saw you at the beach house I knew you were the one. And I knew the shit show I was dragging both of us into, but I was falling in love for the first time and I wasn’t going to let anything or anyone to take that from me, from you. I made bad, _horrible_ decisions that hurt you and me, decisions that’ll probably take forever to heal inside of you, but I love you. I love every second we spent together. You’re too good, too kind and I’m not sure if you came here just because you feel bad about me and my parents or because you’re ready to give me a chance. It would be good to know, yeah, but I can wait. If you’re just feeling bad for me. And you shouldn’t. I promise I’m okay. I’m so much better without them.”

The power goes out again and Sander can’t help but sigh loudly, relieved he can break a little bit in peace with the thought that Robbe is only here to check on him. He puts his head down, covering his face with his hands, trying so hard not to freak out. 

“Can I sleep here tonight?” Robbe asks and Sander smiles before even noticing it. He’s not sure he heard it right so he sits straight again, hearing Robbe taking his jacket off, probably leaving it on his chair, “I miss you.”

“I miss you so much. You can sleep here.”


	4. Chapter 4

* * *

Sander lies down as tense as he can be, thinking about how he’ll not be able to sleep at all. He’s not comfortable, he didn’t make himself comfortable because everything still felt odd and out of place and cold. Robbe is slowly opening up, but Sander thinks they might have a longer, harder way to go than he anticipated. 

Lying down next to each other while still wide away and heartbroken is definitely not something Sander is enjoying. He’s trying to think about what to do or say to make things better for Robbe, to explain better why he ruined them so deeply, but he can’t explain because no explanation would justify his actions. 

Sander is just a fuck up. 

Robbe moves abruptly, lying on his side and Sander sighs, feeling his chest heavy, looking at Robbe in the dark, waiting for what he wants to say. 

“Once, a long time ago, we talked about how you fell for me. Or when, at least. I asked you. Do you remember that?” 

Sander nods his head and realizes Robbe can’t see it. 

“Yeah. _Before you._ ” 

Robbe takes a second and Sander hopes he’s smiling. 

“Yeah. _Before me_ , I guess. And when do you think I fell for you?” 

Sander snorts, going back in their memories together, able to relax a little bit remembering of every moment they had together. They were happy for a very long time, the happiest, Sander is sure there was nobody else happier than them when they were together. 

“I could see you watching me at the beach house. I tried to keep it cool and to let you come to me, but I think you feel for me during that weekend. And I was trying to get your attention for weeks so to finally have it, it was the best feeling ever. I had to hold myself not to kiss you in front of everyone we know.” 

Robbe laughs this time and Sander moves his head to look at him again, wishing the street light was stronger so he could see more of Robbe. Sander had seen Robbe once before they actually met. He was with Noor one night, spraying something illegal late at night. He was the most beautiful, mesmerizing, impossible creature Sander had ever seen.

And he recognized Noor. So he did some research and he found out he and the mystery boy had a lot of friends in common. Sander asked Noor if she could find a way to get him to their friend’s holiday trip and she, as a very good friend, did it without asking twice. The perks of dating one of what Sander came to know later was one of Robbe’s closest friends, Moyo.

Mistery boy was on the trip like Sander hoped he would. And he looked so much better up close. The universe was on Sander’s side for once, letting them be the only ones awake very early on a Saturday morning. 

But he always knew that if he tried anything with Robbe, or anyone that wasn’t a perfect girl, ever, he would be putting himself in the biggest problem of his life. He never tried before because no other person before Robbe was really worth it. They were just random hookups that Sander didn’t need to introduce to his parents. But Robbe was worth all the risk, all the problems, all the fighting. 

“I think it was during the night of the prank.” Sander moves carefully to lie on his side, hoping not to scare Robbe away, but he stays just like he is, on his side, one arm under his head, his hand holding his head up, smiling softly, more than excited to hear Sander telling him every detail Robbe couldn’t know because they were safe inside Sander’s brain. 

Robbe always loved hearing Sander talk about them, about his feelings for Robbe or anything like that. 

“You were way too quiet that night, angry with the boys, constantly away from everyone or too inside your own head. Then we climbed at the top of that abandoned cabin and you were staring more bluntly. You drank too much a little too fast and I guess the drunkness made you think you were being sneaky when you were being so obvious.” 

Robbe laughs honestly, letting his face fall against the pillow underneath him and Sander relaxes a little more with the soft noises of Robbe’s laughter. They end up closer when Robbe props himself on his hand again, clearly waiting for more. 

“I almost made a move that night, but I don’t know…that place was so freaking small and you were so clearly grumpy. Didn’t want to ruin my first, best shot. So I waited.” 

“And you kissed Britt later,” Robbe says not as bitterly as Sander thought he would, it’s just like they’re sharing a story, a normal one. 

“Not that night!” Sander says a little louder, trying to defend himself, not as worried as he normally would because Robbe is still smiling, with a spark in his eyes. The spark he has when he’s loving the stories Sander is telling him. 

“No! But at the Halloween party!” 

Sander sighs. He did kiss Britt. Or he let her kiss him and was okay with it. 

“Because you were suddenly seeming like you were desperately stepping back all the tiny, tiny steps I had managed to make you walk forward, to me.” 

Robbe rolls his eyes and Sander smiles, knowing how Robbe hates how much Sander loves how cheesy himself can be at times. 

“I was pissed and drunk and horny. You were hooking up with a random girl at the most random party with all those strangers. And I knew you were doing it just to piss me off. To show to yourself and me that you could pretend to be straight or bi for a little longer.” 

“She was a good kisser.” Robbe tilts his head down, smiling even softer, loving to push Sander’s buttons. 

“Shut up.” 

“I’m not lying.” Robbe’s voice breaks a little in the middle and Sander’s heartaches. 

“Didn’t say you were. Just don’t remind me of that.” Sander pushes himself to lie on his back again, remembering the staring contest they had that night. And how Sander’s mood was ruined, how he went to sleep on his dad’s car to avoid sleeping with Britt. He told her he was too drunk to do anything and he slept inside the car, by himself. 

“I miss you too.” Robbe whispers and Sander quietly holds the sheets underneath him, squeezing it against the palm of his hand. 

“I know this is all my fault. Everything I touch just breaks.”

“That’s not true.” 

“Robbe-” Before he can say anything else, apologize again, beg Robbe to accept him back, Robbe is on top of him, his soft hands on Sander’s cheeks, their lips pressed hard against each other, Robbe’s weight on top of his stomach, grounding him, making Sander realize this is really happening, so he pushes himself up with one hand, the other going around Robbe’s waist, keeping them close. 

They don’t really kiss, Robbe just their lips pressed against the other one’s, and Sander sighs, opening his eyes slowly when Robbe carefully moves back, his eyes still closed. 

Sander touches his forehead quietly, putting his hair back, so close to tears, happy tears, finally. Robbe moves closer, moving to a position that he can put his legs comfortably around Sander’s waist and his arms around his neck like the koala that he always was. 


End file.
